I failed... after all those hard work that I put in,I just failed.How mean God is.. he made me believe that I was actually going to make it.I came this far , sacrificed so much only to lose it all.Is this reality ? showing a ray of hope when everything goes dark and making me fail when I could have almost won..I wish I could've done it.where did I go wrong?
Does everyone who fail feel the same way?I was the one who was destined to win.It was I who gave his all and worked every single day,every single minute and second.How did he just do it?It hurts to fail in the end after winning all the time.How can years of hardwork,passion and perseverance be shattered by one moment?
This is not the end.. this can't be the end because in all my dreams, I saw myself winning in the end.I saw myself holding the cup high above my head when tears.. tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks.And If I haven't won yet , then perhaps it is not all over yet.After all I have failed but just once.May be this time just wasn't lucky to see me win.But now I will work harder than before,give only more of me to my dream but never will I rest until I see the dawn.And this time I won't be afraid of losing and one of these days.. I'll reach the cup..I'll reach there.......
Jan 8, 2011
Nov 20, 2010
15 April,2006
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction with some real life references. Any resemblance of the subject to people alive or dead is purely co-incidental :P
"What's taking you so long?"I asked out of impatience to my van driver.He did not answer me.I was returning from school.I had fallen asleep after getting into my school van half an hour ago and I was woken up now because the van had come to a stop and didn't seem to move.It became a little too hot inside given that it was mid-april.I tried to sleep again but failed..I peeped out through the window to find out the reason why my van didn't move.A small crowd was blocking the way.I couldn't find out why they were there but I was sure that they were just stupidly standing witness for something.I stretched my neck out till I could go no more but couldn't see what it was."What's happening there?" I asked my friend Prashanth who was sitting near me."Probably an accident or a road fight" he replied without much interest.My van driver went out to see what it was and how long it would take for the crowd to get cleared.I saw the five year old boys in my van jumping and laughing for no particular reason.I shrugged and turned to Prashanth who was sitting with closed eyes,trying to sleep.I thought of shaking him vigorously to wake him up.The others in the van were talking incessantly,discussing about the day's exam.My van was a mixture of students of different ages.There was atleast one boy or girl from each class- Kindergarden till Xth grade.Me and Prashanth were the only ones of the VIII grade.My van driver returned back puffing and panting.Everyone(except Prashanth who successfully slept off) in the van looked at him,waiting for him to say something.He said with a big smile,"A movie shooting is going on..don't know which one it is but I saw actor Surya!!".There was a sense of pride in him when he said the last three words.Everyone started to act at once.Even the five year olds knew him and they rushed down to see him.Our van driver led them all carefully.In the end me and Prashanth were the only ones left back.It was not that I was not interested to see Surya,but it was only that I was too lazy to go out.Prashanth woke up and was surprised to see no one inside the van."Hey,Where did everyone go ?",he asked with shock.I updated.
"Wow!..Surya?"
"Ya."
"It must be the shooting of Sillunu oru Kadhal.. oh my god!! I can't believe it! Come let's go see"
"Alright let's go."
So we both got down.The crowd had become bigger than what it was the last time I saw it.We got inside the crowd somehow despite people pushing back and forth.People won't waste a single second while trying to take a look at an actor,whom they see almost everyday in TV.Given that Surya's previous release 'Ghajini' was a blockbuster,his popularity seemed to be at a peak.Whatever it was,it was really suffocating for me to be with so many people crushing each other.I tried craning my head or jumping,but couldn't do it.After what seemed to be a long time,we came to the front,completely drenched in sweat and..we did it!I caught a glimpse of Surya.He was short but otherwise exactly the same way as in TV.Prashanth shouted in joy and shouted for autograph.Before I could take a better look,someone pushed me and I fell back.Someone's ankle hit me strongly in the head and I was in pain.I winced in pain and looked up to see no one,not even Prashanth seemed to even notice that I had fallen and got hit.Another one stamped my leg while he was still shouting.I called out to him several times continuously but he didn't seem to hear me.I was angry and hurt.I got up and in a capricious impulse I went back,pushing everyone in the way.I got inside the van,rubbing the back of my head with one hand and sat near the window.A tear rolled out of my right eye.I didn't know if it was because of the pain or because my best friend totally forgot me.What If I had fainted there or was trampled to death.I felt like no one was there to care for me.More tears rolled down my cheeks as I wiped them with my hands.I wondered how people forget their friends-those who have cared for them in the past but they celebrate someone who doesn't even know them,let alone care for them.For a moment,I hated Surya but knew that it was not his fault.I heard someone coming,I wiped my tears and tried to act normally.Prashanth came in,sweat dripping from his face.I looked down,avoiding his eyes.
"Man,its too crowded over there..people don't seem to know basic manners at all.What are you doing here? I thought I lost you in the crowd.."
"Nothing..I just wanted to get some air.",I said and felt a lump in my throat.
"Hey why are you crying ? what happened ?"
"I'm not crying.Nothing happened." and I tried to look at his eyes,but had to turn away.
"Hey I'm sorry dude... I got lost in the crowd and I couldn't find you."he said and touched my hand and held it tightly.I felt better but the tears still came out.He continued,"Alright I'm sorry I left you alone in the crowd.I don't want to blame anything else.I was a bit too excited.But I promise it won't happen again.I'm sorry..It was my fault..."
"It isn't your fault , I got hit in my head.".He rubbed my forehead.
I said,"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For coming for me atleast now ."
"Actually I came to get a paper to get Surya's autograph",he said smiling.
I smiled and punched him in the stomach.
"What's taking you so long?"I asked out of impatience to my van driver.He did not answer me.I was returning from school.I had fallen asleep after getting into my school van half an hour ago and I was woken up now because the van had come to a stop and didn't seem to move.It became a little too hot inside given that it was mid-april.I tried to sleep again but failed..I peeped out through the window to find out the reason why my van didn't move.A small crowd was blocking the way.I couldn't find out why they were there but I was sure that they were just stupidly standing witness for something.I stretched my neck out till I could go no more but couldn't see what it was."What's happening there?" I asked my friend Prashanth who was sitting near me."Probably an accident or a road fight" he replied without much interest.My van driver went out to see what it was and how long it would take for the crowd to get cleared.I saw the five year old boys in my van jumping and laughing for no particular reason.I shrugged and turned to Prashanth who was sitting with closed eyes,trying to sleep.I thought of shaking him vigorously to wake him up.The others in the van were talking incessantly,discussing about the day's exam.My van was a mixture of students of different ages.There was atleast one boy or girl from each class- Kindergarden till Xth grade.Me and Prashanth were the only ones of the VIII grade.My van driver returned back puffing and panting.Everyone(except Prashanth who successfully slept off) in the van looked at him,waiting for him to say something.He said with a big smile,"A movie shooting is going on..don't know which one it is but I saw actor Surya!!".There was a sense of pride in him when he said the last three words.Everyone started to act at once.Even the five year olds knew him and they rushed down to see him.Our van driver led them all carefully.In the end me and Prashanth were the only ones left back.It was not that I was not interested to see Surya,but it was only that I was too lazy to go out.Prashanth woke up and was surprised to see no one inside the van."Hey,Where did everyone go ?",he asked with shock.I updated.
"Wow!..Surya?"
"Ya."
"It must be the shooting of Sillunu oru Kadhal.. oh my god!! I can't believe it! Come let's go see"
"Alright let's go."
So we both got down.The crowd had become bigger than what it was the last time I saw it.We got inside the crowd somehow despite people pushing back and forth.People won't waste a single second while trying to take a look at an actor,whom they see almost everyday in TV.Given that Surya's previous release 'Ghajini' was a blockbuster,his popularity seemed to be at a peak.Whatever it was,it was really suffocating for me to be with so many people crushing each other.I tried craning my head or jumping,but couldn't do it.After what seemed to be a long time,we came to the front,completely drenched in sweat and..we did it!I caught a glimpse of Surya.He was short but otherwise exactly the same way as in TV.Prashanth shouted in joy and shouted for autograph.Before I could take a better look,someone pushed me and I fell back.Someone's ankle hit me strongly in the head and I was in pain.I winced in pain and looked up to see no one,not even Prashanth seemed to even notice that I had fallen and got hit.Another one stamped my leg while he was still shouting.I called out to him several times continuously but he didn't seem to hear me.I was angry and hurt.I got up and in a capricious impulse I went back,pushing everyone in the way.I got inside the van,rubbing the back of my head with one hand and sat near the window.A tear rolled out of my right eye.I didn't know if it was because of the pain or because my best friend totally forgot me.What If I had fainted there or was trampled to death.I felt like no one was there to care for me.More tears rolled down my cheeks as I wiped them with my hands.I wondered how people forget their friends-those who have cared for them in the past but they celebrate someone who doesn't even know them,let alone care for them.For a moment,I hated Surya but knew that it was not his fault.I heard someone coming,I wiped my tears and tried to act normally.Prashanth came in,sweat dripping from his face.I looked down,avoiding his eyes.
"Man,its too crowded over there..people don't seem to know basic manners at all.What are you doing here? I thought I lost you in the crowd.."
"Nothing..I just wanted to get some air.",I said and felt a lump in my throat.
"Hey why are you crying ? what happened ?"
"I'm not crying.Nothing happened." and I tried to look at his eyes,but had to turn away.
"Hey I'm sorry dude... I got lost in the crowd and I couldn't find you."he said and touched my hand and held it tightly.I felt better but the tears still came out.He continued,"Alright I'm sorry I left you alone in the crowd.I don't want to blame anything else.I was a bit too excited.But I promise it won't happen again.I'm sorry..It was my fault..."
"It isn't your fault , I got hit in my head.".He rubbed my forehead.
I said,"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For coming for me atleast now ."
"Actually I came to get a paper to get Surya's autograph",he said smiling.
I smiled and punched him in the stomach.
Nov 2, 2010
Easy One!
It all happened just a week ago but it looks like it started years or atleast months back.....It was time for the third ring of hell,popularly known in my college as the third 'assessment'..In my college,its like..nothing will be told 'that' open nor is it told early, so that we could prepare of some sort...It was all only told in the end,jus like a thriller movie...except that here the thrill was just about to begin for us.So I got the time-table for the test two days ago via sms and the portion for the test was completed the next day.We had the first and arguably the toughest exam namely electronic-circuits 1(ec1) on wednesday,for which I got the notes from the other batch just one day before.Now this exam was no ordinary one for me,given that it was a must pass situation for me.I had (along with 48 other students) failed in the previous assessments in the subject and if I failed this one in a streak,then passing this subject would have just been as easy as escaping from a lion chasing you in the forest! The day before the exam was so 'usual',nothing different-imagine one day before a day that decided the fate of life for many good students and people still had all the guts in the world to act normal! Infact some looked so calm and self-satisfied that you will presume he has studied entirely! Sometimes these few moments created more panic than what a thousand words would have created.If anyone wanted to give you some words of comfort,they should just say "I donno a single word".It would be more soothing at that time than a song that was an old favourite.Need not mean that the guy talks the truth..... because an unsaid truth, as far as my college is concerned is you must not believe anyone before the exams except for your best buddies! So there I was...half-afraid,half-determined but still I wasn't sure if I would make it but I knew this for sure-' Whatever happens I must give my best shot at it..even if I did fail,I must not be guilty'..and that was exactly what I ..er..tried to do..!I came home at 1.I ate,started studying at 3.30.well..studying can now be defined as sitting with book in hand,while messaging half the time and thinking what to message the remaining half!I was alone in my house and even this kind of studying makes you drowsy,added that it was just after lunch.And so I woke up at 7p.m.Honestly speaking,if I continued my earlier way of studying,even god would'nt care to pass me the next day.So I studied those real two hours.It seemed long,and I almost finished more than half.In studying,I don't know if we can ever really say we have finished , because nothing stays in your mind forever..and we must read it once again.After that it was dinner and after that,I couldn't even stay awake for 10 minutes at a stretch,let alone the thought of studying.This is where the hostel guys have an advantage.But honestly you can't stay up alone in the night so long.So I slept..but not before I set the alarm for 4.30 the next morning.I woke up at 6 and studied for half an hour (revised what I studied the previous day and left the remaining)before I went to do the morning stuff and that was it.It is while doing these things that I keep thinking about the exam and how to face it.In engineering it is not like school,where you know what you will get in the question paper and you just have to make the answer perfect.In engineering,it is a great thing even if you just made the answer up.I must admit that I was a bit real scared just before the exam and I couldn't conceal that fact too.I looked at everyone like I had swallowed a whole watermelon.So it was all ready to start.Seconds were like minutes when the hall invigilator started giving the question paper.I kept muttering,"It must be easy...it must be easy" to myself.I got the question paper and believe me-it really was easy!Whether I understood the questions or not is a different matter,but I understood that this paper-this was my only last chance of passing the subject and I started writing the answers that I knew at a deadly pace.Then came the answers that I did not knew.This is the part where you 'create' answers from the history of the subject.Problems are a problem still as you can't create anything there.ec was full of problems and I kind of sucked at problems.So I wrote the formulas that I thought I knew and somehow completed the paper.I had faith in myself.Don't know why but I had hardly read anything for the exam and wrote just about half the question paper but I had the feeling that I will pass..atleast till I came to know that some of my 'correct' answers were actually wrong later!But once I finished the exam,It was like...yes,I've done it ,I had that feeling of pride,success,happiness,joy,freedom...It was all over! I don't have to be afraid of this anymore I thought.I felt as though the semester itself had come to an end.It was an irony that I had EMF exam the next day.But I did not care ...I have one whole day now! Now I can eat , sleep , talk or even piss in peace.Those few moments I got the better of the great ec1.I did it...against all odds.....studying just two hours..... in front of all those who made me depressed by showing off that they had studied.I felt like Will Smith when he said in the 'pursuit of happiness' ,"This part ..this little part... is called happiness......"
s n a v
s n a v
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